I used to repeat myself at least 20 times a day. “Put your shoes on.” “Put your shoes on.” “I’m not going to tell you again, put your shoes on.” And then I’d tell them again. And again. Until I was practically yelling and everyone was frustrated and we were late for school.
Sound familiar?
For years, I thought this was just what parenting was. You say things multiple times, your kids ignore you, you get increasingly annoyed, and eventually something happens. Maybe they comply. Maybe you give up. Maybe everyone ends up crying. It felt like a never-ending cycle of asking, reminding, threatening consequences I didn’t actually follow through on, and then wondering why my kids never seemed to take me seriously.
Then one day, my friend who’s a teacher said something that completely changed how I approach communication with my kids. She said “You’re training them not to listen to you.”
I was like, what? No I’m not. I’m trying to get them to listen. That’s the whole problem.
But she explained it like this. When you ask your kids to do something and then ask again and again without any follow-through, you’re teaching them that your words don’t actually mean anything. They learn that “put your shoes on” doesn’t really mean “put your shoes on right now.” It means “I’m going to say this five more times before anything actually happens, so you can keep ignoring me for a while.”
That hit me hard. Because she was right. I was accidentally teaching my kids that they didn’t need to listen the first time I said something. Or the second. Or the third. They could just wait me out until I either did it for them or got mad enough that they finally complied.
So I changed one thing about how I communicate with my kids. And I’m not exaggerating when I say it transformed our mornings, our bedtime routine, and honestly our entire relationship.
The Change: Say What You Mean Once, Then Follow Through
Here’s what I started doing. When I need my kids to do something, I say it clearly, calmly, and only once. Then I wait a reasonable amount of time for them to comply. If they don’t, I immediately follow through with whatever the logical consequence is.​
For example, instead of saying “put your shoes on” 10 times while I’m doing other things, I now say “it’s time to put your shoes on so we can leave in five minutes.” Then I set a timer. When the timer goes off, if their shoes aren’t on, we leave anyway. Even if that means they’re carrying their shoes to the car and putting them on in the parking lot at school.
The first time I did this, my oldest looked at me like I’d lost my mind. He was so used to having 15 minutes of reminders that he genuinely didn’t believe I’d actually leave without his shoes on. But I did. And you know what? He never forgot his shoes again.
This applies to everything. Dinner time, homework, cleaning up toys, getting ready for bed. I say what needs to happen once, in a clear and calm voice, and then I follow through.
The key here is that I’m not yelling or threatening. I’m just stating facts. “Dinner is ready. If you don’t come to the table in the next two minutes, I’m putting your food away and you’ll have to eat it cold later.” And then I actually do that if they don’t show up.
It sounds harsh, but here’s the thing. Kids need to learn that words have meaning and that actions have consequences. Not in a punitive, scary way. In a predictable, consistent way that helps them feel safe because they know what to expect.
If you’re dealing with a kid who never seems to listen or follow directions, I created a guide specifically about managing screen time without constant battles. It uses the same principles of clear communication and consistent follow-through, and it’s honestly been a lifesaver in our house.
Why This Works Better Than Repeating Yourself
When you repeat yourself constantly, a few things happen. First, your kids tune you out because they know your words don’t actually require immediate action. Second, you get increasingly frustrated and end up yelling, which damages your relationship and doesn’t actually teach them anything useful. Third, everyone feels stressed and chaotic because there are no clear boundaries or expectations.​
When you say something once and follow through, you’re showing your kids that your words matter. You’re teaching them to pay attention the first time. And you’re eliminating that entire exhausting cycle of repeating, reminding, and escalating until someone loses it.
I also noticed that my kids started respecting me more. Not in a fear-based way, but in a “mom says what she means and means what she says” way. They know now that if I tell them something, I’m serious. So they actually listen.​
The other huge benefit is that I’m not yelling anymore. I don’t need to. Because I’m not building up frustration by repeating myself 20 times. I say it once, calmly, and then I follow through. There’s no emotional escalation. It’s just straightforward cause and effect.
If you’re struggling with the chaos of school mornings specifically, I wrote about the routine that finally ended our morning madness. It pairs really well with this communication approach.
How to Actually Implement This Without Losing Your Mind
Okay, so here’s how to make this work in real life. Because I know what you’re thinking. “That sounds great in theory, but my kids are going to test this immediately and it’s going to be a disaster.”
You’re right. They will test it. That’s what kids do. They need to know if you’re serious or if this is just another thing you’re going to give up on after two days.
So here’s what you do. Start with one area. Don’t try to overhaul your entire parenting approach overnight. Pick one thing that’s driving you nuts. For me, it was the morning shoe situation. For you, it might be bedtime or homework or cleaning up after dinner.
Pick that one thing and commit to following through every single time for at least a week. Tell your kids ahead of time what’s going to change. “From now on, I’m going to tell you once when it’s time to put your shoes on. If you haven’t done it by the time we need to leave, we’re leaving anyway and you can put them on in the car.”
Then do exactly that. Every. Single. Time.​
The first few days are going to be rough. Your kids are going to test you to see if you really mean it. They might cry or argue or act shocked that you’re actually following through. Stay calm and consistent. Don’t lecture or get into a big discussion about it. Just calmly enforce the consequence you stated.​
After about three days, my kids stopped testing me. They realized I was serious, and they started listening the first time. It was honestly kind of shocking how fast it worked.
Once you’ve got one area down, you can expand to other situations. But don’t try to do everything at once. That’s how you set yourself up to fail.
What About Gentle Parenting?
I know some people are going to read this and think “but what about gentle parenting? Aren’t you supposed to give kids multiple chances and explain everything and validate their feelings?”
Here’s the thing. This is gentle parenting. It’s just not permissive parenting.
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean letting your kids do whatever they want with no consequences. It means treating them with respect, communicating clearly, and setting firm boundaries in a kind way.
When I say something once and follow through calmly, I’m not being harsh. I’m being clear. I’m showing my kids that I respect them enough to trust they heard me the first time. And I’m teaching them that their actions have predictable consequences, which is actually a really important life skill.​
I’m also way less stressed, which means I have more emotional bandwidth to be present and empathetic when my kids actually need me. Instead of spending all my energy nagging and repeating myself, I can focus on connection and fun.
If you’re dealing with a teen who’s shut down communication completely, I wrote about the night my teenager finally opened up and what I had to change about myself first. It’s a different age, but the principles of clear, respectful communication are the same.
The Part Nobody Warns You About
Here’s what I didn’t expect. Once I started saying things once and following through, I had to get really clear about what was actually important to me.
Because when you’re going to enforce something every single time, you need to make sure it’s actually worth enforcing. You can’t have 50 rules that you’re going to die on a hill over. You’ll exhaust yourself and your kids.
So I had to figure out what really mattered. Safety? Non-negotiable. Respect? Absolutely. Keeping the house from descending into total chaos? Yes. Whether they wear matching socks? Honestly, who cares.
This forced me to let go of a lot of things I was nagging about that didn’t actually matter. And that was really freeing for both me and my kids. They have way more autonomy in areas that don’t really matter, and I save my energy for the stuff that does.​
I also had to get better at giving clear, specific instructions instead of vague requests. “Clean your room” is too vague for most kids. “Put your dirty clothes in the hamper and your toys back on the shelf” is specific and achievable.​
If your home feels chaotic and disorganized and you’re not sure where to start, I wrote about creating a simple command center that keeps our family organized. It’s helped eliminate a lot of the daily reminders I used to have to give.
What Changed After I Made This Shift
My mornings are so much calmer now. I’m not starting every day stressed and yelling. My kids know what to expect, and they generally just do what they need to do without me having to chase them around.
Bedtime used to take an hour and a half of negotiations and repeated requests. Now it takes about 20 minutes because I say “it’s bedtime, go brush your teeth” and they actually do it. If they don’t, I calmly walk them to the bathroom and stand there until they do. No argument, no drama.
The biggest change though is that my relationship with my kids feels better. We’re not constantly in this adversarial dynamic where I’m trying to get them to do things and they’re resisting. We’re just living our lives together, and they know I’m someone who says what I mean and follows through.​
They also come to me more when they have real problems because I’m not exhausted from spending all my energy on petty power struggles. I have space to actually listen and help when it matters.
If you’re in that place where you feel like you’re constantly repeating yourself and nothing is working, I promise this approach can help. It takes some consistency and follow-through on your part, but the payoff is so worth it.
And if you’re dealing with specific challenges like screen time battles, the system I put together has step-by-step strategies for setting boundaries that actually stick. It’s based on the same principles of clear communication and consistent follow-through.
Your kids want to know what to expect. They want boundaries they can rely on. And honestly, you deserve to not spend your entire day repeating yourself. This one change made parenting so much less exhausting for me. Maybe it will for you too.
